Heichou Time
by Kuro Chiyo
Summary: Hello all of you brats. My name is Levi. No, my name isn't Ravioli, Captain Shorty, or Corporal Ballerina. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably Eren. I am a member of the Survey Corps, and I kill titans for a living. At least that's what I do when I'm filming. Also, I'm not that short. I'm frickin' taller than Connie. Come see how fabulous my life is.
1. Meet Levi

Hello all of you brats. My name is Levi. No, my name isn't Ravioli, Captain Shorty, or Corporal Ballerina. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably that $!# &% Eren. I am a member of the Survey Corps, and I kill titans for a living. At least that's what I do when I'm filming. Some say my job would actually be called acting for this show called Shingeki no Kyojin, but I like to really get into my role.

Also, I'm not that short. I'm frickin' taller than Connie.

You probably all came here because you wanted to know if my life is as amazing as it sounds. Well, I can tell you, my life is $!# ¡£ fabulous.

I now present you with a typical day in the life of me.

Every morning I wake up to my scheduled alarm (a fifteen second segment of Born This Way by Lady Gaga) at 5:00. I then get dressed in my cleaning clothes and I clean my whole house. Yes, I do this every day. There is nothing more respectable than a spotless house. First, I clean the windows and other hard surfaces. I usually go through three bottles of Windex every day, but that doesn't matter because my job pays a lot. Second, I vacuum the carpets twice, just to be sure. The next step in having a heichou quality house is sweeping outside, cutting the grass, and watering the plants. Cleaning usually takes me two hours. If I get done early, I get started on the laundry.

After cleaning my house, I eat a well balanced breakfast. A piece of toast washed down with vodka. Whenever I want to treat myself to something extra, I grab a banana. And another shot of vodka.

Next in my morning routine, I get dressed in my set costume for Shingeki no Kyojin and I stand in front of the mirror telling myself how fabulous I am. It usually goes something like this: "Look at you Levi, you 5'3" piece of $!# ¡£ awesomeness. No other piece of crap can compare. Today, you will inspire all who look upon your greatness."

Once I've had enough motivation, I go off to shoot an episode of the show I mentioned earlier. I have a pretty important role on that show, and I'm guessing that's why you are reading this right now. I kill a lot of titans in my role, which is easier than you would expect. Or maybe it's just easy for me. I usually have an okay time shooting. That is, unless Eren can't get his scenes right. In that case, I have to stay on set until 5:00 PM. Way past my scheduled nap. That $!# ¡£ piece of %#¡$.

As I said before, after shooting my scenes, I take a nap for at least an hour. After that, I eat dinner. My dinner is always good because I make it myself with all organic ingredients. Once I eat, I then check throughout my house to make sure everything is clean and in order.

Finally, it is time for me to go to bed. I have nothing particularly special to say about getting ready, but I do have something to say about the dreams I have. My dreams are so amazing, they come in the form of dubstep. Ah dubstep... It's like a computer trying to sing while vomiting the entire contents of the internet. You wish you had my dreams.

And that is what it is like to live in my life. It's normal to be jealous.

Until next time. Heichou out.


	2. Weekends

Sup &¡!¢% $. Today I'm here to tell you about what I do on weekends. If you thought my weekdays were amazing (and let's face it, who doesn't?), then you are about to be graced with the... The... Um... You see, my weekends are so amazing, there hasn't been a word invented that can describe them.

The start of my weekend is similar to the start of any other day. I get up at five, and I clean. Except on weekends, I only clean for an hour in the mornings. Sometimes, I scare myself at how bad I can be.

There are some weekends where I just sit around watching scenes of Shingeki no Kyojin with me in them and contemplate how $! %¡#& fascinating I am. Other weekends, there is even more excitement.

For example, last weekend. Hanji invited the whole cast to go to this club with her. Now let me tell you, this club was exclusive, and luckily, Hanji knew the manager. Once we were in, I headed straight to the bar to get myself a dirty martini. I had six in the first thirty minutes. After a while, Jean comes over. He tells me, "Levi, I bet I can down more shots than you can." I'd like to see that piece of crap try. After just four shots, he knows he can't beat me, so he gets up to find Marco who left halfway through the shot battle. I drank eight more victory shots. And that is just the beginning of the night.

Then Gangnam Style comes on. My jam. I go out to the dance floor, only to find that $! %&# Eren dancing to my jam. So naturally, I had to jump in and challenge him to a dance off. Let's just say it ends with him crying in the bathroom, and me having to pay a small fine for a broken table.

I try to seek another dancer to challenge, but the only other person who could possibly be a worthy opponent was Mikasa. You don't just challenge THE Mikasa to a dance off, so I leave the club. It was getting boring, and clubs are so mainstream anyway.

I can't remember exactly what I did after the club, but the next morning, I woke up in my bed covered in chicks. The marshmallow peep kind. You don't frickin' question these things, so after my hour of cleaning was done, I had vodka soaked marshmallows for breakfast. I have no regrets.

Now that you have been exposed to my weekend, you may need to take a break from reading this. Go get up, take a deep breath, grab a refreshing glass of water, and think about how pathetic your life is. If you're ready, keep on reading.

You must be thinking: "What part of his amazing life is Levi going to show us next?" My response is: If I expose you to too much of my life at one time, your brain might be damaged forever, unable to comprehend anything anymore. You would be suffering from PETLFALS (Post Exposure To Levi's Freaking Amazing Life Syndrome). That is why next time on Heichou Time, I will be giving dating advice.

Until next time. Heichou out.


	3. The Best Dating Advice You Will Ever Get

As promised, here I am to give you %#!$ dating advice. Unfortunately for you, you are not as stylish and as good looking as I am. I have decided to do a good deed and give you some tips.

First, you need to find someone you like. Girl, boy, titan, whatever. Once you find that someone, you need to tell them you like them. And don't just tell them you like them. You have to TELL them you like them. Be frickin' assertive. The best way to do this is burst in and let them know. I mean, literally burst in. Get yourself some 3DMG, burst into their house, and use a smooth pickup line.

Here is the list of Heichou Approved Pickup Lines: "Gurrrrl, you are a fine piece of $#¡%." "Right after cleaning, you are on my to-do list." "Did you clean your pants with windex, because I can see myself in them." "I heichou less than everyone else." "I can protect you from the titans at night." "I'm Levi.**"

**This pickup line is 100 percent guaranteed to work every time. If for some reason it doesn't, stare at them intensely without saying anything until they agree to go out with you.

Now that you have secured a date, find someplace to go on that date. For some reason, whenever I take someone on a date to a cleaning product store, they are always bored. What gives? Cleaning products are exciting as &!#%. Anyways, dinner for two is always nice, however if you're with a girl (sometimes guys get this way too), eating sometimes makes them feel fat. (Tch, they're probably not really fat. Stupid piece of $#¡% searching for a compliment.) This is why the ultimate place to go out on a date is somewhere you can kill titans. While you're waiting for a titan to come, you can talk with your date, and when you finally get some titans to appear, you can show off how awesome you are at killing titans to your significant other. Also, make sure they don't get eaten. This kind of puts a damper on your relationship.

Onto the talking topic of my dating advice. Let me just say, it can be hard talking to someone on a date when you aren't as accomplished as I am. These are the do's and don'ts of talking on a date: Do tell them interesting facts about yourself. Don't tell them uninteresting facts about yourself (such as Eren's: "I can put my whole fist in my mouth. Wanna see?"). Do talk about how nice the other person looks. Don't talk about how nice that person who just walked by looks. Do ask them about their life. And lastly, don't go on and on about your own life. That just gets freaking annoying.

If you do everything right on your date, you should at least get an awesome make-out session. Sometimes you get more, if you know what I mean. Even if you just screw one thing up, just one tiny thing, you could end up forever alone. For, like, forever. Good luck with that.

Thank you for reading this chapter of Heichou Time. Next time, I would like to answer some questions you peasants have.

Until next time. Heichou out.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Because Levi will be answering fan questions in the next chapter, it would be great if you could private message me (or simply write it in the review) some questions you want to have Levi answer. Thank you, and thanks for reading!


	4. Fan Questions

Tch. I guess I have to answer those questions now.

First question: "How can so much awesome exist in one dimension?"

Good question. Some people can be awesome, but only in short bursts. But for me, my awesome lasts forever. While there are small surges of awesomeness-energy (AE for short), it is never enough to overwhelm the universe with the greatness of my AE. If the universal limit to AE is represented by "u," my AE levels are represented by "L," and the AE of common people is represented by "c," the inequality looks a little something like this: u≥L+2c

Second question: "Dear Levi, you seem to have a lot of experience dating. You should tell us a little bit about your dating life. I mean, your pick up line works 100% of the time, right?"

Yes, my pick up line does work 100% of the time. And I do have a lot of experience with dating. My dating life is freaking amazing. I had my first girlfriend in fourth grade, but I already had my first kiss when I was in second grade. Hana and I made out for a solid thirty minutes before the teacher found us. Good times. I've had many girlfriends since then, and a couple boyfriends. You have to try out all your options, right? Also, I've made out with several members of the cast of Shingeki no Kyojin.

Third question: "Just wanna ask you if you're still a virgin. And if you think Mikasa is hot."

For the first part of the question, my answer is no (not since the eighth grade). And for the second part, my answer is: what kind of %!$#& question is that? Of course I think Mikasa is hot. Everyone thinks Mikasa is hot. Even my dog thinks Mikasa is hot. Next question.

Fourth question: "What is your opinion on our lord and savior, Connie?"

Connie is everything. Don't try to fight the connie. He works closely with the freckled jesus, Marco. By the time Connieism grows, the Wall Faith won't know what hit them. May the connie be with you.

Fifth question: "If you could get married to any cleaning product, which would it be?"

Windex. Or a broom.

Sixth question: "Why do you use symbols when you curse instead of writing them out?"

I do this because regular curse words are too mainstream. I just make up my own, and they happen to look like $&#!¢ symbols.

Seventh and final question: "If you're so badass then how come you're so short?"

First off, let me tell you, I am 5'3". That is a medium height, okay? Everyone else in the show is just freakishly tall. Anyways, because I am a bit smaller than everyone else, my badass levels don't get spread out like theirs. It stays concentrated. I choose not to get taller because then, my badass levels will get spread out, and this will lower my ability to effectively defeat titans by 20%. I also choose not to get taller because it wouldn't be fair to other people if I were this fabulous, attractive, stylish, AND tall.

Thank you for the questions, I guess. Some of them weren't that bad. But then again, some of them were. Next time, I will have a special (but not more special than me) guest from the cast of Shingeki no Kyojin.

Until next time. Heichou out.


	5. Special Guest 1

Welcome back to Heichou Time. I couldn't get a special guest, so I just got Eren (A.K.A. Teen Titan).

"Hey Levi! I got this sleep mask, and it has your eyes printed on it! Look at me! I'm Levi, and I kill titans to make up for how short I am!"

This is going to be a long chapter...

Levi: So, Eren-

Teen Titan: How does this work? Is this like an interview? Do you interview me, or do I interview you. This IS called Heichou Time... Can we go kill titans? Can we have class outside?!

L: I apologize. He has ADHD.

TT: Who are you talking to? Do you have an imaginary friend? Are there hidden ca-

L: Be quiet Eren. As I was trying to say before, the way this will work is we will talk and ask questions. Did I simplify it enough for your piece of crap brain to handle?

TT: Uh, yeah. Do you have food?

L: Fine. I have some organic guacamole with cilantro in the fridge, and some artisan, non-GMO corn chips in a cabinet somewhere.

TT: You are such a freaking hipster!

L: Do you want the food or not?

TT: I was hoping for cake, so I'll pass.

L: Ugh, what am I going to do with you... Anyways, Eren, tell the readers about Shingeki no Kyojin.

TT: Oh! I'm the protagonist! I iz main character!

L: Yes, we know. Can you tell us anything else about it?

TT: We kill titans. And I, I WILL KILL ALL THE TITANS! HAHAHA! ALL THE TITANS WILL BE DEAD BECAUSE OF ME!

L: Eren, stop shouting.

TT: A lot of people say that to me, now that I think about it...

L: That's the frickin' plot of the show now that I think about it. Hold on a sec. I need to get something to drink. Don't screw anything up when I'm gone.

TT: Okay! What is he talking to anyways? Hmm... He probably DOES have an imaginary friend, but he's just to embarrassed to say! Don't worry Heichou! Your secret's safe with me! But maybe I will have to tell Mikasa and Armin, cuz it's kinda funny. Hanji and Sasha might get a laugh too. And Jean might not be so embarrassed about HIS imaginary friend if I tell him. What's this? Some weird looking coffee table sculpture... Oh crap, it broke! Gotta hide it before Levi comes back!

L: Eren! You didn't touch anything, right?

TT: Of course not! Okay, I'll hide it under the sofa cushion... There. He probably won't notice.

L: Alright. I'm back.

TT: Hello Back, I'm Eren!

L: I'm going to ignore that. So, where were we?

TT: Why do you hold your cup like that? It has a handle. Or are handles just too mainstream for you?

L: This is a perfectly normal way to hold a cup, got it? If I used the handle, it would break from the pressure of my fabulousness. At least that's what happened with my first tea set...

TT: Okaaaaaaaaay then. My turn to ask a question! What's your favorite part of the show?

L: Me and getting to clean the set. Tch, I guess I have to ask the same question for you now?

TT: My favorite part is KILLING TITANS! And also my awesome friends! I've always had Mikasa and Armin, but now I have Sasha, Connie, Krista, Ymir, Jean, Marco, Reiner, Hanji, Erwin, Petra, so many more... And you!

L: Me?

TT: Yeah! Hey... What's wrong with your eyes?

L: What do you %!&#¢¡ mean "what's wrong with your eyes?!" There is nothing wrong with them. I just had to yawn. !%#$ off, Eren.

TT: Alrighty then. This is me insert-Levi's-made-up-curse-word-here-ing off.

L: Tch. If I give you cake, will you leave?

TT: ...

L: Fine. Cake and ice cream.

TT: Yay!

L: The cake is on the top shelf of the fridge and the ice cream is in the freezer. Take them on your way out. This concludes this segment of Heichou Time.

Until next time. Hei-

"Hey Levi! I definitely didn't touch anything, let alone break anything while you were getting that drink. So, if, like, you find a certain coffee table sculpture broken under your couch cushions, it wasn't me. Your house probably has a ghost or something. See ya, Heichou!"

Wait, what? Jaeger!

Gotta go kick someone's ass. Heichou out.


	6. Boredom

So, I have nothing to do today. Everyone is busy, even my dog Pepe. I already cleaned, and I have NOTHING TO DO. There aren't even titans to kill. I'm bored as #$!&. What am I going to do?

I'm in my kitchen right now. You know what? I'm going to make the most amazing muffins the world has experienced. Then I'm going to eat them. I won't even share. The amazingness shall only be mine to behold. Let's see... I have carrot cake muffin mix. Well, all I have to do is add water and bake at 360 degrees for 30 to 40 minutes. Simple enough.

Now that I put those muffins in the oven, I have to figure out something else to do. Maybe I should dress up as nyan cat and fly around town in 3DMG... I have nothing better to do, so why the heck not? Wait. I let Hanji borrow my 3DMG. Why did I do that again? Tch, whatever. I can think of a million other things to do.

Why don't I sing? I bought a karaoke machine the other day, and I haven't tried it out yet. I don't know if any of you know this, but I kind of have an inner diva. Okay then... I programmed some songs into the machine already. I'll choose "Can't Wait to be King" from the Lion King. That song speaks to me.

What? Why is this not working? This piece of crap is freaking broken! Ugh, why does this day hate me so far? I can still try to turn it around...

Prank calls. I've never prank called someone before. Okay, I'll call Marco first.

Hello. I am the manager of Bed, Bath, and Beyond. We are having a special deal on fun scented soap this week. Everything is half off. We also- No. I am the manager of Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I don't know who this Levi is you speak of, but I'm sure he is an inspiration to all and has an amazing butt. Oh. You have caller ID? Well then... Bye, Marco.

Well, that one didn't go so well, but I'll try again. This time, I'll call my current girlfriend, Petra.

Hey Petra. Yeah, I just called you to let you know I've been cheating on you and I think we should break up. Yeah. I don't think we should see each other anymore. Wait, are you crying? Hold on... Wait, no. Hey, this was just a joke! You know, a prank call. But- For heavens sake, I was only joking! Petra. Of course I still love you. Wait. Oh, come on! Can't you take a joke? Oh yeah? Well I guess I hate you too. Fine! Bye!

Crap. I think I just broke up with my girlfriend. What else could go wrong? Wait, what time is it? 3:30. #%$&.

So, now I'm bored, single, and have burnt muffins. I officially hate everything.

Why is there this pounding in my head? Oh, that's just the door.

At least one thing is okay today. Pepe came back from his doggie play date. Animals are so much better than people.

As I will be trying to get my life back together, next time, I will have another special guest. I don't really feel like planning anything. (Ugh... I need a hug.)

Until next time. Heichou out.


	7. Special Guest 2

Hello. Today, Heichou Time brings you eating snacks on your bed while going on the internet because you don't feel like doing the life today. There will also be a short segment on who the #%&$ is knocking on my door.

"Levi! I know your in there! You payed me $30 to be here today!"

Oh right. Special guest. It's Mikasa.

Levi: Hi.

Mikasa: So, you forgot I was supposed to come over to do whatever the hell it is you do? Heichou Time was it?

L: I've been going through some things.

M: You're hung over, aren't you.

L: ... Yes.

M: Give me $20 and I'll stay.

L: Deal.

M: Okay, shorty, what happens on Heichou Time?

L: This is kind of like an interview. I had questions prepared, but I lost them so we are just going to wing it.

M: Right. But what about that piece of paper in your hand that's titled "Questions to Ask Mikasa on Heichou Time?"

L: Oh, you see? I think I wrote this on fabulous brand paper that senses when their fabulous owner is in a crisis. Let's get started, then.

M: Riiiiiiight...

L: So, Mikasa, tell us about your experience on Shingeki no Kyojin.

M: It's cool. Killing titans is pretty nice, and the people in the cast are okay. Eren is really nice, and Armin is just kind of there all the time. Then there's you, who beat up Eren that one time on the show AND in real life. Just saying, if you ever wanna go, I'm ready shorty.

L: If I wasn't hung over and possibly a little buzzed right now, I would take you up on that offer.

M: Then why don't you? Scared?

L: No, there are just better things to do with my time and I thought I explained it sufficiently enough before. Next question. What do you do in your free time?

M: Work out.

L: Elaborate?

M: Sometimes I do boxing. Is that elaborated enough for you?

L: Okay. So, in the show, Eren gives you a scarf. This seems to have carried on into your real life fashion choices.

M: What do you know about fashion?

L: Tch, I know everything about fashion. Just tell the readers about your scarf fetish.

M: Eren said he liked the red scarf on me and Armin agreed, so I decided to incorporate scarves into what I wear on a daily basis.

L: Some people say you are one of the toughest characters on the show (behind me, obviously). What do you say about the strength of your character?

M: After the titans, I can kill you all if I wanted to

L: That's... Nice... Um... So, as you know there are many ships in Shingeki no Kyojin, even some involving you. Care to tell if you would like any of those ships involving you to go canon?

M: ...

L: Holy crap, you are actually blushing.

M: Shut up, shorty.

L: You can at least tell us some things about this ship, can't you? What's this? Another $20?

M: Fine. There is someone I think is pretty cool. But I don't know whether I should be like "I'll pass. He could be, like my brother," or "I think you're neat. Let's date."

L: Brother, huh?

M: This is a secret right?

L: Between me, you, and all the people who read Heichou Time.

M: So that means between me and you, right?

L: No. A good number of people read Heichou Time. Why wouldn't they? It's about me. I can show you the story stats... Hold on... See?

M: Crap. There are people who actually read this thing.

L: This wraps up this segment of Heichou Time. If any of you readers would like to ask me more questions for another fan letter session, please do so. If I get enough questions, I will do another fan letter segment in the future. Thank you to our special guest, Mikasa.

M: No way in hell you're posting this!

L: Here's your extra $5. Bye.

M: But you owe me 40 you-

L: And this is why doors were invented. So you can slam them in other people's faces.

Until next time. Heichou out.


	8. More Fan Questions

I was going to do something extremely cool this time, but I got lazy so I'm just going to answer more fan mail.

Question one: Can you beat up Eren again? Not cause I don't like Eren. I like him very much. I'm just sadistic. And can you play Caramel Dancin' while you do it? Thanks.

I saw this question a couple days ago, so I got Jaeger to recreate the scene with me. Here you go: h6t6t6p6s6:6/6/6w6w6w6.6y6o6u6t6u6b6e6.6c6o6m6/watch?v=wnahJHXic50 (Links are annoying. Just delete the sixes.)

Question two: I want to ask Levi how old he is.

Ah, yes, that question. In the show, they say I'm 30 or whatever. Do I #&!%$¢ look like a 30 year old man to you? Hell no. I don't know what the writers were thinking. I'm actually 21.

Question three: What do you think about the fan fictions written about you? Specifically, the ones about you and Eren.

I personally don't mind them. I would never really do some of the things that they write me doing, but I don't mind them being written. Let the fans have their fun. Unless you write me as a lame character. Or have too many short Levi jokes. Anyways, for the ones about Eren and I. Sometimes, Eren comes over and we pull up one of those fanfics to make fun of. Guys, I'm not interested in Eren. Yes, I've made out with him once, but that was just so I could see if I was interested in him. I've also made out with Mikasa, Hanji, Erwin, Petra... See no big deal. Shipping is freaking weird. Unless it's my OTP. No one can touch my OTP. That #%$& is going to go canon.

Question four: Heichou, what do you think about Erwin's eyebrows? And is it true he looks like Captain America?

Erwin's eyebrows are an interesting subject. How do I even begin to explain them? I'll get the cast to help me out.

Armin: Erwin's eyebrows are flawless.

Jean: I hear they're insured for $10,000.

Sasha: I hear they do car commercials... In Japan.

Connie: One time, they met John Stamos on a plane.

Marco: And he told them they were pretty.

Hanji: One time, his eyebrows punched me in the face. It was awesome.

There you have it. You should have a better understanding of Erwin's eyebrows now.

As for him looking like Captain America, I don't really see it. If you want some anime character that looks like Captain America, go to Hetalia. If Alfred doesn't look like him, I don't know what does.

That's pretty much it. If any of you peasants have more questions as Heichou Time continues, just ask them and I'll answer them whenever. I need to go shopping soon, so next time, I will show you how awesome my shopping outings are.

Until next time. Heichou out.


	9. Shopping

Jaeger. I need to go shopping.

"Why are you telling me this?"

You are coming with me so you can pay me back for the sculpture you broke.

"Oh, so you knew it was me?"

It really wasn't hard.

"Okay! I'll come shopping with you! I've never been friendship shopping with you before!"

I'm regretting this already. Hello readers. I thought I was going to show you some pretty fabulous shopping, but I realized Eren needed to pay me back for the sculpture.

"How much do I owe you?"

$300.

"You paid that much for a weird lookin' sculpture?! Well, I'll pay you back!"

I feel like this is somewhat the plot of something...

"Kiss, kiss, fall in love!~"

Jaeger, you piece of crap, stop singing! I'm trying to remember what show that plot belonged to.

Oh well, I'll figure it some other time. Get in Jaeger, we're going shopping.

"Didn't you already use a Mean Girls reference last time?"

Whatever, the quicker we get to the store the quicker we'll be done.

~And so, time passes and Levi and Eren arrive at the shopping center~

Eren. Look at all these big ass stores.

"Yeah, that's generally what a mall is like. So, what stores are we going to?"

Hot Topic. I keep checking to see if they have a shirt with a big picture of my face on it. Also, I need some band merch.

"Well, you don't really neeeeed band merch-"

What are you trying to say, punk? That band merch isn't important in this world? Now shut up, you piece of #$%! and buy me this My Chemical Romance shirt.

"Okay, okay... Oh! I'll buy the same shirt, and then we can wear it on the same day and be twins!"

No.

~And so, more time passes and Levi and Eren move on to more and more stores, and Levi gets more and more annoyed~

"Levi, my legs are getting tired."

I don't really care. However, you have almost reached the $300.

"FINALLY! How much more do I owe you?"

$5. I'm hungry now. There's a food court over there. Buy me a happy meal.

"Okay, Heichou!"

Right. I'll wait on this bench. This shopping trip has been weird. Every store has played dubstep...

"I'm back! One happy meal for one happy Heichou!"

Do I look like I'm smiling?

"Can I have the toy?"

Sure, whatever.

"Thanks Dad!"

What the #$%!...

"Oh my gosh! Heichou! I am so sorry! This won't ever happen again!"

Tch. Don't worry about it kid.

"Hm? There's something wrong with your eyes again. Or did you just yawn?"

~And so, Levi and Eren share a special bonding mome-

Stop narrating my life, you $&%#!¢£ pink unicorn!

"Heichou, I just realized there has been a pink unicorn following us all day, narrating your life..."

~And Marco is over there with Jean and the colossal titan dancing the hula in drag~

"And dubstep has been playing everywhere."

That's right... Dubstep...

This was only a dream. Well, I'm awake now. Makes sense too.

No way in hell would I ever take Eren shopping with me, right pink unicorn that narrates my life?

~Absolutely. See ya later, Levi. Gotta go to a tea party with nyan cat and forever alone meme guy.~

Well, next time, I should have another special guest.

Dad...

Until next time. Heichou out.


	10. Special Guest 3

Hello. Today on Heichou Time, as promised, I have another guest. I hope the suspense isn't killing you, because it's just Jean (AKA Ponyboy).

Levi: Hello Jean.

PonyBoy: So this is literally a talk show with no audience?

L: Let me explain this again. We talk, I record, then I later type it all up for people to read.

PB: Okay then. What now?

L: I ask questions, and you answer. It's not very hard. If it is hard, you must be suffering from a severe case of stupid. So, let us begin.

PB: Sure...

L: Tell us about your role on Shingeki no Kyojin, and about yourself.

PB: Um. Well, I'm Jean and I play the role of Jean. Pretty self explanatory there. In the show, I assist with killing these things called titans. Also, not a lot of people seem to like me on the show-

L: That's because we don't. Continue.

PB: Err... And everyone seems to think I have this thing with horses. Don't get me wrong, horses are cool animals I guess, but I don't worship them or anything. And no, I am not a horse myself. I'm just a normal guy.

L: Keep telling yourself that. What do you think of your fellow cast members?

PB: Okay seriously, no offense, but I am the most normal person on that show. Sure killing titans ON THE SHOW is a good thing. But all of you think titans exist in real life! THEY DON'T! Why the hell would you want those to exist in real life? Everyone in the cast is all like: I'm gonna go kill some titans, by the way we finished filming an hour ago.

L: Excuse you. [insert as much sass that is humanly possible here] I don't know about you, but when those titans come, I will be ready for them. Sie sind das essen und wir sind die jaeger muthafukaz.

PB: Oh, whatever, this is useless. Can I have the next question?

L: Fine, you useless piece of #$&%. What you think about the death of Marco.

PB: Um, I would not like to respond to that...

L: Is it true you made out with Marco backstage?

PM: I wouldn't like to answer that one either.

L: Dammit Jean! What will you answer?

PB: Anything else not on the topic of dead Marco or shipping, I guess.

L: Does feelings towards Mikasa count as shipping?

PB: Yes, now can we move on?

L: Do you want some cake?

PB: Oh. Yeah, sure. Thanks, man! That's pretty nice o-

L: Well, you can't have any. I just wanted to know if you wanted cake or not. Anyway, next question. What do you do in your free time?

PB: I like to draw. Sometimes, when I'm feeling lonely, I even draw myself the person of my dreams and pretend I have-

L: No one cares. I think we would all like you to talk about your imaginary horse friend. Care to tell us about him?

PB: What? I do not have an imaginary horse friend.

L: Okay then, can you tell us about your imaginary non-horse friend?

PB: Wh- I do not have ANY imaginary friends!

L: You're the one who told us when he gets lonely, he draws himself a companion.

PB: That's different from an imaginary friend!

L: Is it, Jean? Is it?

PB: Yes! Of course!

L: Well then... Do you have a car?

PB: Uh, yeah. Why ask a random question like that?

L: Do you like sushi?

PB: Kinda.

L: Is green a good color?

PB: Sure.

L: And the name of your imaginary horse friend is?

PB: Bob. Oh crap...

L: There you have it. Jean has an imaginary horse friend named Bob.

PB: I'm leaving.

L: Great.

And that concludes that. Next time, I will go on an exciting adventure. And by adventure, I mean walking my dog.

Until next time. Heichou out.

* * *

**Author's Note****:** Hello! I would like to thank all of you who read, like, and follow Heichou Time! I know 17 followers isn't that big, but it is for me :) I thought this was going to suck and only have about 4 chapters, but I now know that miraculously, there are several people who like it and now it has 10 chapters. Thank you guys! :) (Also, if you ever have any suggestions on what you want to see Levi do, please feel free to write it in the reviews or message me, either one works)


	11. Dog Walking

Hello again, it's Levi. Today I am walking my dog Pepe around the neighborhood. Pepe is the most amazing piece of #$&! a guy could ask for. I don't really know what breed he is, but whatever. He's small and has wiry hair. He's wearing doggie socks and a sweater today.

If that's not adorable as #$&% I don't know what is.

My neighborhood is interesting. All the other cast members live here. It's not exactly a normal neighborhood. Or a quiet one, at that. (Especially with Eren running around.)

Hanji is my next door neighbor. I try not to look over my fence into their backyard. It is a mistake I never want to commit again.

The house on my other side belongs to Erwin. Now that I think about it, he doesn't leave his house that often. It's not that he's antisocial or anything. Well, he kind of is... He's a hardcore otaku. I was able to enter his house once, and he has, like, ten body pillows just on his couch. And then I saw one of me, so I got the hell out of there.

Eren lives right across the street from me. Armin suggested that he does yoga to calm down, but it doesn't really work. Somedays, you can even hear-

"OF COURSE I'M RELAXING! I'M THE MOST RELAXED PERSON THERE IS! I'M RELAXING SO HARD!"

Yeah, like that.

Mikasa lives next to him on the right, and Armin to the left. Those two are kind of normal, so I don't really have anything to say about them.

Sasha and Connie share a house, but are rarely there. They are often out pranking the neighborhood. They are also really messy. One time, they spilled a bit of soda, and I literally spent all day trying to clean it up. It was very careless of them to allow one drop of soda to spill onto the sidewalk.

Krista and Ymir also share a house. I don't know what they do over there, but whatever it is, it's loud.

That's Jeans' house over there. He keeps horses in his backyard, and Marco's the only one who visits him.

Petra's house is at the end of the street...

And of course, there is my house. It is the best house on this street. It's the me of houses. Sometimes, I throw raves at my house. They are so exclusive, I'm the only one who's invited.

Well, there you have it. Now that I gave Pepe a walk around the neighborhood, I need to give him a bath. I think we'll have another special guest next time. It'll probably be Hanji.

Until next time. Heichou out.


	12. Special Guest 4

As promised, our special guest today is Hanji Zoe (AKA Obsessive Titan Disorder).

Levi: Hello Hanji, how are you today?

Obsessive Titan Disorder: Oh, I'm wonderful! I came up with three new titan theories just this morning!

L: Okay. Here's a question everyone wants to know the answer to. Why do you love titans so much?

OTD: Titans are just so cool and mysterious! There are so many unanswered questions about them, and I want to find those answers! For science! I mean, why do they eat people? Why are they so light? Where did they come from? Where did they go? Where did they come from, Cotton Eye Joe?

L: If you could date a titan, would you?

OTD: squeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEE!

L: I'll take that as a yes. While you calm down, I'm going to go get a drink.

OTD: Oh wait! Do you have booze?

L: What the #&$%? Of course I have booze. What kind of question is that?

OTD: I'm coming with you.

L: Alright. We are moving this interview to the kitchen. What do you want?

OTD: Whatever, as long as it has a good kick!

L: Okay, here's a bottle of donut vodka. Just don't have too much because: one, I want some, and two, you remember last time you had a bit too much to drink.

OTD: It wasn't THAT bad! All I did was fly around a bit with 3DMG. And then I proceeded to jump on Eren's shoulders while singing la cucaracha and screamed, "GIDDY UP TITAN BOY!" Yeah, that's worse than I thought it was...

L: Yes. So Hanji, what do you like to do in your free time?

OTD: Oh, I do so many things! I come up with titan theories, I search the web for other titan theories and science-y stuff, and I do other things for science that I probably shouldn't mention because it might be looked down upon. *coughcoughandpossiblyslightlyillegalcoughcough*

L: What was that last bit?

OTD: Oh, haha, nothing!

L: Right... Anyway, if there's anything you want to see happen in the show, or manga, what would it be?

OTD: Definitely capturing another titan. I hope it would be one that talks, like that other one that one time! Now that I think about it, it was saying something about Ymir's people or whatever, and there's a character named Ymir. I would love for some kind of conspiracy around that! Oh! I need to get to my computer and research more theories about this! So many possibilities! Sorry Levi, but I have to run! Research calls to me!

L: Wow. I never knew Hanji could run that fast out of a house.

I feel like next time, I'm going to do something about food. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with food, but I'm going to have some sort of segment on food. Whatever.

Until next time. Heichou out.


	13. Heichou's Kitchen

Welcome back to Heichou Time. Although I am a wonderful cook, I will not be the one cooking today. Lately, I've been watching Hell's Kitchen, so I've decided to do something based off of that. Today, please welcome: Eren, Mikasa, Jean, Marco, Sasha, and Connie. They will be working in teams of two to attempt, and let me put strong emphasis on the word attempt, to make decent quality food.

The teams are: Team Titan with Eren and Mikasa, Team Brony with Jean and Marco, and Team Prankster with Sasha and Connie. These teams will compete to make a dish good enough for the special prize at the end.

"Heichou?"

What is it Eren?

"What's the special prize?"

You will only figure that out if you win.

"And Heichou?"

What now, Eren?

"What do we cook?"

Do I look like I care? Anything, as long as it's edible. Teams, introduce yourselves.

"Hello, we're Team Titan. Today, we are planning to make ravioli, in honor of our Heichou."

#$%& you Eren.

"Hi, we are Team Brony and we want to make an omelette."

Didn't you make an omelette the last time you were in a cooking competition Jean?

"Yes..."

Whatever, next team introduce yourselves.

"What's up! We are Team Prankster, and we will be making bacon pancakes with a side of hash browns!"

I am so done with this already.

Your time starts...

Now.

Also in the style of the show Hell's Kitchen, I'm going to walk around and tell everyone how bad they are at cooking while cursing a lot. Since it's for ironic purposes, I am actually going to use what people would call "real" curse words. (Tch, my curse words are so much more badass.)

Let's see how Team Titan is doing.

Jaeger, you piece of shit, what is that?

"It's the ravioli sauce, sir."

My dog can make it better than you can. Look at all these big ass lumps, do you think anyone would want to eat something like this? And it's sweet. Why the hell is it sweet?

"Whoops. I think I added sugar instead of salt..."

You are hopeless. I'm going to see Mikasa's progress.

Ackerman, what are you doing?

"I'm making the ravioli pieces. Also, if you make Eren cry, I'm going to come to your house in the middle of the night and shove these up your ass. Got it shorty?"

I think it's time to check on Team Brony.

Jean, what in the sweet name of freckled jesus are you doing?

"Um, this was just a test omelette."

Well, that omelette is so rubbery, it looks like you can bounce it on the fucking floor.

Marco!

"Yes sir?"

With the way you are cutting those slices of ham, you are going to end up cutting yourself in half. Also, don't salute with the knife in your hand.

"Ah! Yes, sir!"

Ugh, this is exhausting. Why did I even do this? I guess we have to visit Team Prankster.

Sasha, what you are doing here is... Well, actually, it's not that bad.

"Thank you Heichou! I plan on winning this competition! You see, food is my life. It. Is. My. Life."

Okay, then, I'm going to back away slowly and you can keep cooking... Connie, you can learn a thing or two about cooking from Sasha! What the hell are you even doing right now?

"Sasha seems to have got this thing in the bag, so I'm making a spit ball machine out of common kitchen appliances. I figured I could shoot some at Eren and Jean once I'm done."

I was going to tell you off for being lazy, but I'll let it slide if you let me shoot some at them.

"Deal."

Okay teams, you better be plating your food, if you can even call it food, right now. You have two minutes left!

Wow. Look at them trying to plate that shit in two minutes. This is fucking hilarious.

Alright, time's up.

First, I will try the dish made by Team Titan. It's supposed to be ravioli.

The ravioli part is okay, but Eren didn't fix the sauce. Next dish.

This is from Team Brony. It doesn't even look like a freaking omelette.

Oh, look at that. It doesn't taste like one either. This is fucking horrible. By the way, I don't like ham in my omelette.

Next is Team Prankster. The hash browns could definitely be better. The pancake dough is good, but the bacon offsets this. You didn't even cook the bacon properly.

"So Heichou?"

Why are you asking so many questions Jaeger?

"Well, I just wanted to know who won."

Oh. None of you. I realized that I can cook better than all of you, so I win.

"What was the prize then?"

My respect.

Until next time. Heichou out.


	14. Fiesta

It's me Levi again. Recently, I checked the reviews for Heichou Time. You brats are bearable, I guess. Anyway, I saw one that amused me. Here it is:

_He should have a mexican fiesta and invite a random mexican off the street named Pablo._

Just the other day, I bought a piñata, so I decided to buy some other things too. Now I have a bunch of tacos, a couple sombreros, and a $!&# load of Spanish music on my i-pod. Now all I need is one more thing.

Allow me to open the window dramatically.

Hey you!

"Me?

Yes you. Are you of the mexican ethnicity.

"Um, yeah..."

What's your name?

"Pablo..."

Perfect. I'm having a fiesta, and you're invited. Mikasa es su casa. (Oh come on, like you didn't see that one coming.)

"I don't even know you."

And I don't even care. Vamanos, Pablo. We're having a fiesta.

"Seriously, who are you?"

Do you watch Shingeki no Kyojin?

"No. What's that?"

So that's why... It's an anime show that I act in. I play Levi and I attack titans a-

"Oh! You're from that show Attack on Titan? Didn't recognize the name the first time. Are you like a background character or something?"

Excuse you. I am Levi freaking Ackerman.

"I thought Ackerman was that chicks name."

You only have seen the anime, haven't you. Let me guess, English dub as well.

"Yeah! Oh, hey! You're that short dude!"

I'm not-! Oh whatever, are you going to have a fiesta with me now?

"Sure! Are the really important members of the cast going to be there too? I would love to take some pictures with them!"

Really... important... Tch. Come on Levi, do this for the fans. Breathe in. Breathe out. Do not attack him with your 3DMG, no matter how badly you want to. Eren would do that, not you. Remember, you are fabulous... Okay.

Fine. I'll invite them too. I needed some way to get rid of 200 tacos...

~Hey look, I'm back! Remember me? The unicorn that sometimes narrates Levi's life? Yeah! And so, Levi invites the cast members to his fiesta~

Use plates everyone!

Don't put the cup down without a coaster!

Watch it! You are going to spill that all over the floor!

Jaeger! Get down from there!

Ugh. Never ask me to do this again.

I'm going to have to clean all week to get my house in order again, so all I'm going to have time for is fan questions. If any of you have any more fan questions that don't involve a fiesta, ask them or whatever. I am so done.

Until next time. Heichou out.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Thanks for the suggestion! I had so much fun writing this chapter!


	15. Even More Fan Questions

Hmm. Cleaning didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would. I guess I'll answer the questions now.

Question one: Does it bother you Oluo tries to copy you and your fabulousness?

Yes and no. I respect that he thinks that I'm amazing. I mean, who doesn't? That doesn't mean he should try to be exactly like me. No one can compare to me, and no one will ever be able to match how freaking fabulous I am.

But I don't think he's a bad guy or anything. I guess I was kind of disappointed when I learned that they were killing him off and that I wouldn't be working with him anymore. It was like that with all the people they killed off...

Anyway, we should move to the next question.

Question two: Levi, what are your feelings towards Mikasa?

Mikasa is an interesting little piece of #$&%. She definitely doesn't like me that much. I have no idea why. I never did anything to her. I only did things to Eren. Wait, let me go through some things in my head. Oh. Yeah, that makes so much more sense.

She's good at killing titans (but not as good as me), and she's pretty high up there on the list of people you shouldn't question (right under me).

Question three: Would you ever go out with Mikasa or make out with her again since you're single?

Well, I don't think I would go out with her, but I could make out with her. It seems like you guys want me too. Hold on, give me a second.

~And so Levi takes a second and returns with Mikasa~

Mikasa, I need you to make out with me.

"What the fuck?"

Just do it.

"What? No way in heljdfghjfdisucshvuiowjdkfndkmdsfaflnbeiqghurfwdjnkbvfhegiuqrwefwjdhivboheqlcdhuirefdajlsvkbhjacjsbhvef"

See? It wasn't that bad. Did you enjoy it?

"Fuck off."

I didn't know it was humanly possible to slam a door that hard. What I do know is that I probably deserved that punch.

Question four: Levi, how do you have such majestic hair, like your hair defies the laws of everything. Do you get it cut or do you do it yourself? And how?

My hair was like this when I was born. I was seriously born with a whole freaking head of hair. I actually have never gotten it cut in my whole life. It just constantly stays perfect and never grows. I would never let anyone near my head with a pair of scissors, probably not even myself.

Question five: Is there any possible cure for PETLFALS (Post Exposure To Levi's Freaking Amazing Life Syndrome). There's been a steadying increase on the outbreak and since you're the one who started it, maybe you'd have an idea?

I suppose you could "cure" it by not reading this anymore and trying to forget about me and Shingeki no Kyojin completely. But why would anyone want to do that? Come on fangirls (and boys), I know you love me. Just accept it. I don't judge. Well, actually I do, but I judge everyone so it doesn't really matter.

That wraps up this segment of Heichou Time. I have to take some of the cast on a "field trip," so I'm forced to go to the amusement park next time. It's going to be so *sigh* wonderful...

Until next time. Heichou out.


	16. Amusement Park

Before I take everyone to go to the amusement park (Hanji is driving, though, because it's hard for me to see over the dashboard of the bus), I'm going to answer another question. Here's the question:

Heichou, would you have kids with Petra or someone else due to a lot of fanfictions about you and the others?

Children are annoying little brats. Why would I want to have kids? Never in my life have I imagined a ginger haired boy named Max with the face of yours truly and a small black haired girl named Lily with the sweetest amber eyes running around my house calling me "dad." Never.

Oh. It looks like everyone is ready now.

"Levi, why am I the only one who has to wear this shirt that says if lost return to Heichou?"

Because I don't trust you not to get lost, Eren. Also, I'll be wearing this shirt that says I am Heichou.

"But Heichouuuuu-"

Don't you Heichou me. Now shut your mouth and get in the bus. Alright, it seems like everyone is here. Hanji we have enough gas, right?

"Um, I think so. Sort of. I'm experimenting with a new method of fuel that I invented. It should work. I hope..."

Tch, well I guess I'm going to have to trust you on this one. If this bus explodes, the pressure of angry fans will be placed on your shoulders. Just get to driving. The sooner we get there, the sooner we can leave.

Oh bloody hell, Sasha and Connie have started singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Kill me now.

~About an hour of agonizing singing later~

We're finally here. Hanji, Erwin and I all have our phones, so call if you need something. If you call me, I might not pick up because I just don't feel like dealing with you. Do whatever the %#$! you want, as long as it doesn't get you in trouble.

It seems like there's a ride called Tunnel of Love up ahead. It's not my kind of thing, but hey Petra you might like-

"No."

Yeah, nevermind...

"Heichou, if you want to go on that ride so badly, I can go on it with you!"

No Eren.

"Okay! Come on Mikasa, Armin! Let's go on that roller coaster over there!..."

I should go check out what food they have here. Tch, amusement park food is always overpriced. Of course Sasha is already pigging out on churros and funnel cakes.

Ugh. It's so dirty here. And they expect you to go on rides without wiping down your seat first.

Great. Annie is coming my way. I hate that &¡$#.

"Where's Eren?"

He's on some roller coaster with Mikasa and Armin. You can always hear Eren screaming from the complete opposite side of the park when he goes on roller coasters.

"HOLYYYYYYYY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!"

Like that. Don't bother me anymore, I'm trying to maintain my fabulousness in this filthy park.

I thought she would never leave.

"Leviiiiiiiiii!"

Hello Hanji.

"Let's go to the arcade! You can beat all the high scores on the dancing games like you always do!"

Hell yes. Rides are overrated.

"Do you just not like rides because you're not tall enough to go on all the good ones?"

No. And for your information, I'm tall enough to go on any ride I like.

"Then why don't you go on one?"

Because I just don't. Now be quiet so I can dance the #%&$ out of this game.

"Are you scared of heights?"

Me? Scared of heights? Are you freaking kidding me? I am the king of 3DMG, Hanji, and you better remember that.

"Oh. Yes, of course. My mistake. I meant I think you're afraid of heights when you're not in control of it yourself."

...

Thatandtheseatsarereallydirty.

...

"Ha! I knew it! And how did it go with Petra? Is she still mad at you? Did you get her to go on that couples ride with you? Wink wink!"

You can stop talking now. Why don't you go help Erwin win that oversized plush in that game or something?

"Alriiiiiiight, but if someone tells you to go on a roller coaster with them, then you have to go on that roller coaster. Deal?"

Whatever.

Oh no, Jaeger is coming this way.

"Heichouuuuuuu!"

No. No. Nope. Nuh-uh. No way. Nope nope nope nope nope.

"Come with me on the roller coaster! It is sooooo fun!"

Ugh. I promised Hanji, so fine. Let's get this over with.

"Wow! The line is really short! It looks like we're getting right on!"

Oh dear gosh.

"Haha! I can't believe you're tall enough to ride this thing!"

Can I clean this seat first? And it looks like there's some dried soda on the floor of the cart.

"Nope, no cleaning! And I think that's a bit of dried vomit, not soda."

#&$%. #&$%. #!&#$#&*)!*(#*%?+_#^&.

"This one goes really high up! Open your eyes Heichou! Listen to us go up! It sounds like a train! Heichoo-choo!"

I'm going to be sick.

"We're almost to the top!"

Correction: I'm going to die. They're going to have to kill me off on the show, because I'll be dead in real life.

"Heeeeere weeee goooooooooo! Whooooo!"

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK OH MY HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

"Haha! That was fun! Especially the part where you screamed like a little girl the whole way through!"

You tell no one.

~And so the cast spends the rest of the day at the park (and Eren gets Levi to go on a couple more rides!)~

Alright everyone, it's time to go back.

"But Heichouuuuuuuuu-"

What did I say about Heichouing me Eren?

"To not to..."

Everyone, back on the bus.

AND FOR FUCKS SAKE, STOP SINGING THAT #%$&ING BEER BOTTLE SONG UNLESS YOU TWO WANT TO RUN LAPS!

~That segment of Levi flipping his shit was brought to you by the Sasha and Connie singing Company~

Until next time. Heichou out.


	17. Special Guest 5

Welcome back to Heichou Time. Today I have another guest, but before we get to that, I have another question to answer.

Levi, what's your OTP?

Well, there are different types of OTPs. I will share three of my OTPs with you today. My OTme (this kind of ship is an OTP involving you) is LevixPetra. My OT3 (this kind of ship is confusing and could be taken as literally three people in a ship, or taken as auspisticism which is a concept from a certain webcomic) is ReinerxBertholdtxAnnie. And finally, my regular OTP. I'm surprised you are incompetent enough not to have guessed it already. ErenxMikasa all the way suckers. And now that you know all of this information, it doesn't mean I won't do fanservice that contradicts these ships. [insert sexy wink here]

Anyway, sexy winks aside, let's get to our guest. Armin Arlet (AKA Coconut Head).

Levi: Hello Armin.

Coconut Head: Uh, hi Heichou. Can I ask you why you just answered a question about yourself when you're supposed to be questioning me?

L: Armin, maybe one day you will have enough fans to understand. When fans demand answers, you just can't go around dodging their questions.

CH: Sure. Can we hurry this up then? I wanted to play a chess match against my computer by lunch.

L: If you try to rush me, this will only go slower. But I guess I can ask you the first question. It's really important.

CH: And that is?

L: Oh, sorry not sorry, I had to pause for dramatic effect. So Armin, what do you like about acting on the show?

CH: Wow, so many things I can say! One thing is that my personality is pretty close to the Armin I have to be on set. Another is that all of the other cast members are really nice! Working with everyone always puts me in a good mood.

L: How touching. The next question is even more important than the last one. Are you looking forward to cross-dressing as Krista on the show?

CH: Um, it truthfully sounds kind of embarrassing, but I have to do what I have to do. For the sake of the team, you know?

L: Would you consider wearing this dress right now for practice?

CH: I hope this doesn't sound too rude, but why do you have a dress?

L: Rule number one, don't question me. Rule number two, shut up and wear the dress.

CH: I'm sorry Heichou, but I don't really want to do that right now.

L: Fine. Sucks for you because I was going to let you have the cookies Hanji made.

CH: Doesn't Hanji do something called experimental baking? I wouldn't eat those cookies if my life depended on it because I would die either way, and I would rather it be quick than slow and painful.

L: #$%&. I wish you weren't so smart. I guess I'll try to dump the cookies on Jean or something...

CH: I wouldn't necessarily say I'm smart. I just tend to think logically. If I may, I have a question for you, Heichou.

L: What is it Armin?

CH: If you spill cleaning product, did you make a mess?

L: ...

CH: Oh crap. I think I just broke Heichou.

L: ...

CH: Oh no oh no oh no! Where is it... Where is it... Ah! Here it is!

L: ...

CH: Okay Heichou. It's okay. See, here's your favorite duster.

L: Never. Ask. That. Again.

CH: A-alright Heichou!

L: Have you seen Attack on Titan Abridged?

CH: Yeah. It's pretty funny!

L: Well then. Do you really sound like a majestic fucking eagle?

CH: Uh. I don't know. Maybe. I mean, I could, but I don't really know for sure...

L: Well sweet mother teresa on the hood of a mercedes benz, there you have it. Armin might sound like a majestic fucking eagle.

CH: Okay. Heichou, before I go, I would like to say something. I've read Heichou Time, and I think it's kind of mean that the fans don't know what you're doing...

L: What are you talking about? There is nothing going on.

CH: You know. The whole thing where you de-

L: Shut up you piece of crap.

CH: But don't you think they should know there's going to be a p-

L: But shouldn't you be getting to that chess match?

CH: Heichou? What are you doing with that duct tape? Heichou? STAHP! Ahmffmfmmfmmmmmfmfmmfmm!

L: See you later Armin.

That was close...

I mean, I wonder what Armin was talking about.

Until next time. Heichou out.


	18. Hijacked!

Hellooooo! Welcome to this chapter of Heichou Time! You may be thinking: SOMEONE CALL A DOCTOR! LEVI IS SOUNDING CHEERFUL AND USING EXCLAMATION MARKS! But don't worry, I'm not Heichou! I'm Eren! I stole his laptop.

Wow. You never know true power until there are no quotation marks around what you say. Let's go visit some other people!

Oh look, a wild Hanji has appeared. Hi Hanji!

"Hey Eren! Whoa, is that Levi's laptop? Dude, do you want to get killed?"

Ha, Heichou won't kill me! We're good friends! By the way, how are you feeling today?

"Hmmm... Girl. I felt boyish yesterday, but I think I'll be a girl for the rest of the week."

Cool. Imma go find more people. Have fun with your experiments!

"Oh! Can I come with you? I can hold the laptop while you do the speaking!"

Sounds awesome! Let's go!

Hey! Mikasa! I stole Levi's computer!

"Serves him right."

Let's see... What should I do with this hijacked Heichou Time... Ah! That's it, I'll ask people's opinion about Heichou! I bet there's some pretty nice things to be said about him. Mikasa?

"He's a cold blooded bastard who doesn't know the importance of your life to others, and he can go fuck himself for all I care."

Haha, Mikasa! Always the joker!

Come Hanji, to the next person!

"Oh, how about Erwin?"

How about you just read my mind!

Yo Commander Erwin!

"Hello Eren. What do you want today?"

I'm asking everyone's opinion about Heichou for his internet thing he does.

"Interesting. Levi and I are close. Him, Hanji, and I are all BFFs. Wouldn't want anyone else on my team if those guys weren't there with me first."

Aww, that's really sweet!

"It's not sweet, it's just a different form of manly than you're used to."

Okay then, thanks for sharing your opinion with us, but we must move on now!

I spy with my brilliantly colored eyes Marco and Jean! Hello! May I ask you guys your opinion on Heichou?

"He's good at acting, but he always calls me a horse and makes rude comments about me. Whatever Mikasa said or will say about him is probably correct."

"Now Jean, don't be so mean. Hey, that rhymed! Anyway, I don't mind Heichou. He's excellent at killing titans. And he always has good advice."

That he does Marco. That he does. Thank you guys!

Next we have...

Sasha and Connie!

"Wassup Eren!"

Nothing but the sky! So guys, what do you think of Heichou?

"He's pretty cool I guess because he lets me eat whatever I want as long as I don't annoy him."

"Have to agree with Sasha, but he keeps on trying to get me to support this religion he came up with to go against the Wall Faith called Connieism. He's always like, 'May the Connie be with you.' It's kind of strange."

Well, if Levi Heichou made it up, it ought to be an awesome fake religion! Thanks for your responses!

"Hey Eren?"

Yeah Hanji?

"What are you're opinions about Levi?"

I'm glad you asked! Heichou is awesome! He's always really nice and is the best Heichou in the world. My fatherly figure was kinda all whacked up, so I look up to Heichou a lot!

Oh look! Hanji's having a fangirl attack!

You okay Hanji?

"Yes, I think I'll be alright. Whew, I'm out of breath!"

Who's that at the end of the street?

It's Armin! Hey Armin, I stole Levi's laptop, so we're going around asking people what they think of Heichou!

"This is perfect. I can finally warn his fans about the pl-"

"JAEGER!"

Oh shit, Levi's here!

"Jaeger you piece of #$%&. You think you can just steal my computer? Go. Run laps. Now."

Sorry Heichou.

Until next time! Jaeger out!

* * *

**Author's Note: **Sorry that it took longer than normal to write this chapter! Just a heads up, updates might get spaced out more for a while because summer is coming to an end for me soon. I'll try to write at least once a week.


	19. Feels?

Tch. I had to wipe down my computer several times before using it because of Eren. How did he even get into my house? Why did he even want to know what others thought of me, of course they all thought I was fabulous as #%$&. He didn't interview Petra though...

Whatever, there was a question that I have to answer.

Hey Levi! Have you heard an anime called Free!? If so, have you watched a video of you, Eren, Armin and Jean doing the song Splash Free?

Yes, I have heard of this anime. It's quite good. I have also seen the video in question. I have a pretty sexy hair flip in it. I've also seen one with just me in it. It's four times the amount of awesome. I'm not sure how people have watched it and not been proclaimed brain dead from the sheer amount of exposure to me.

Well, back to people's opinion of me.

To Jean, $%&# you. To Mikasa, real mature there. To Connie, Connieism is real and you better believe it. To Sasha, pretty cool? Really? I'm all the cool all the time. I could freeze helium because that's how cool I am. To Marco, good answer, keep up the good work. To Erwin, BFFs for life bro. Jut get rid of that body pillow you have of me.

To Eren. Thanks.

~Hey Levi! You're eyes look pretty sparkly ri-

Shut up you piece of crap unicorn.

My eyes always sparkle.

Ugh, I think I should disinfect my computer some more.

Huh? I wasn't expecting anyone today. Why is there a knock on my door?

Hello Mikasa wha-

Wait, what are you doing with that duct tape and rope? And Armin's here too? Wait, stop this at once.

Mfmmmfmmmmmdmmfmmfhwdm.

"There you go Armin."

"Thank you Mikasa. Also, sorry Heichou, but this had to happen. Your fans have to know. They have to know that you're slowly developing a plot in Heichou Time and that they might get feels. I had to warn them. You can untie him now Mikasa. Armout."

Well I guess the secret is out.

And you guys thought you wouldn't get feels from reading this. Suckers.

Until next time. Heichou out.


	20. Speed Dating

I'm back. Did you miss me? Of course you did, like that's even a question. I was on vacation. I came back, and I found several questions lined up for me. Thank you. We all know how much I love answering your shitty questions. Someone asked me what cleaning product I liked best. Really? Did you really just ask that? Choosing a favorite cleaning product is like asking a parent to choose their favorite child, or an otaku what their favorite anime is.

Let's see, what else is there?

Why do you get sparkly eyes when Eren talks to you?

I have no idea what you're talking about. Moving on.

Heichou, I was wondering, do you check out the the people who cosplay as you?

Of course I do. I think it's a real confidence booster for them to attempt to look as sexy as I do. A note to anyone who cosplays as me: I bet you all look freaking fabulous.

Now, let't get down to business. There has been recent talk of me and Petra. I've realized that I should try to get over her at this point, so today I'm going speed dating.

I'm actually here right now, and I used up my first couple dates answering your questions.

Oops.

So, what's your name? Oh, never mind, times up.

She wasn't that good looking anyway.

"Hi, I'm Emily."

I'm Levi.

"Okay, first things first, I don't like it when I'm taller than my boyfriend when I'm wearing heels, so how tall are you?"

Five feet and three inches of pure awesome.

"Yeah, this was never gonna work out, bye."

Sucks for her.

"Hello."

I see by your name tag that your name is Sarah.

"Yeah."

Tell me about your cleaning habits.

"Um, like cleaning my apartment? Because I just do whatever. You see, I don't own a vacuum cleaner, s-"

Next!

"Sup, I'm Dave."

I'm Levi.

"Oh whoa, you're actually going through with this? I just came here to see guys reactions to when I sat down in front of them. See ya, have a nice life."

Ugh, why does nobody seem to want me?

Hi, I'm L-

"OMYGOSH! You're Levi from Attack on Titan! Omygoshomygoshomygosh! I love you soooo much, I've seen every episode with you in it like 30 times and I read the manga several times already so I could see you and I have six versions of your body pillow and my tumblr is devoted to pictures and gifs of you and so is my pinterest and my facebook profile picture is you! Omygosh! I can't believe you're here and I get the chance to be your girlfriend, my new OTP is us, okay? I can't even! asdfghjkl! Let's get married!"

I'll get back to you on that. Why don't you go wait over there. All the way over there. Like in that corner facing the other direction.

"Okay, just call me when you need me!"

Tch, overly enthusiastic fangirls.

Who's next?

"Hello, my name-"

Petra? What are you doing here?

"Looking for a new boyfriend."

Well, we're here right now, so maybe w-

Oh, she left.

I'm totally over her. I'm totally over everyone, actually. I'm single and I'm free. This feels so amazing. Everyone here is a useless piece of trash.

I'm a strong independent Heichou who don't need no girlfriend or boyfriend.

#%$! yes.

Until next time. Heichou out.

* * *

"Hey you, in the corner! Speed dating ended hours ago! We need to clear the room for a sweet sixteen."

"Oh, don't mind me, I'm sure my future husband will be back soon!"


	21. Special Guest 6

**Author's Note:** Hey, it's me Kuro! I just want to let you all know that I'm really sorry with how slow I was with this update. My summer just ended, so classes and school make it hard for me to update quickly. I'm going to try for at least one chapter every week, but just know it's not always possible for me to do this. Thank you, and thank you for reading Heichou Time!

* * *

I'm back, it's me Levi, AKA Single and Fab as %$&#. Lately, I've been up to awesome single person things. I would have invited you to join me, but that would have made it both not single, and not awesome.

Today, I'm here with Erwin Smith.

Single and Fab as %$&#: How are you today, Erwin?

Erwin Smith: I'm good.

SAFA%: That's nice to hear. First things first, we need to talk about that body pillow. The one with me.

ES: Oh, that one. I just bought it to freak you out. I thought it was funny.

SAFA%: It wasn't. But that's in the past. Please kill it with fire.

ES: I thought you said it was in the past.

SAFA%: Yes, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't brutally destroy it. Moving on. How do you like acting on the show Shingeki no Kyojin?

ES: I can't imagine a better role. It's like I was specifically created in this universe for that part.

SAFA%: You do realize you kind of were specifically created for your role. But I'm not going to get into the specifics with that because I don't want to go all titan on you and break the fourth wall. So instead, I'll ask the next question. How do you feel about your character's arm being eaten off, and how will you go about this detail when the time comes in the show?

ES: Well, I'm very dedicated to my role, so when the time comes, I'm actually going to have my arm amputated.

SAFA%: Okay, you're a crazy piece of $!#%. But I'm not going to tell you how to live your life. No, wait, I am. You need to get help.

ES: No, you can't tell me what to do. I am a man, and if I want my arm amputated, I will follow through like a man. No medicine to numb the pain or anything. Plus, I can get a really cool prosthetic with a hook or something afterwards.

SAFA%: So you managed to sound even crazier, and sexist, in that last comment. Whatever, your loss. The next question is one that I've been asked myself before. Do you think you look like Captain America?

ES: Nope.

SAFA%: Care to elaborate?

ES: Nope. Hey, I just realized the initials you put down for my name are ES. Like Free: Eternal Summer.

SAFA%: Right. I forgot about your anime obsession.

ES: Obsession? I personally like to call it a way of life, but whatever floats your boat.

SAFA%: I'm probably going to regret asking this, but would you like to share some of your favorite anime with the fans?

ES: Oh, yes. Hetalia will always hold a special place in my heart. Kuroshitsuji: Book of Circus is great so far. Lucky Star, classic. And don't let me forget about Ouran High Scool Host Club. Or Puella Magi Madoka Magica. I sweat from my eyes every time when I watch that one.

SAFA%: And I know I'm really going to regret this one, but what's your opinion on yaoi?

ES: Would you like me to bring my entire collection of yaoi manga over right now? I may have to make a couple trips for all those boxes...

SAFA%: Yes, I extremely regretted that. And where do you think you're going?

ES: To get my yaoi.

SAFA%: No. Hell no. Oh hell freaking no. Sit your piece of crap #$$ down right now.

ES: Fine.

SAFA%: Good.

ES: So, how's it going with your dating life?

SAFA%: Did you not hear me at the beginning when I said my nickname for today would be Single and Fab as %$&#?

ES: I thought you were joking.

SAFA%: Erwin. Look at my face. Does it look like I'm joking?

ES: No?

SAFA%: Correct.

ES: Haha, you're still not over Petra, are you?

SAFA%: No, I'm totally over her.

ES: I knew it, you are still not over her. I can set something up to try to get her talking to you again, you know.

SAFA%: Wait, really?

ES: I thought you said you were over her.

SAFA%: Tch. Yes. I'm just bored of being single at this point in time.

ES: Right. Well then, I'll throw a little party soon, and we'll have a truth or dare session.

SAFA%: You really think that will work?

ES: It could work.

SAFA%: Then what are you waiting for, go and plan that party.

ES: But we could talk more in the meantime...

SAFA%: Go. Now. I need to think of every possible thing that can happen during truth or dare, so I can be prepared.

I am so daring Eren to kiss Mikasa.

Until next time. Heichou out.

* * *

"I can't believe my future husband didn't come back for me! Maybe he's planning our wedding! Or he could be cheating on me! Gasp! I should go check on him, to make sure he isn't. And if so, to make sure the competition is...

Eliminated."


End file.
